The Lord of the Rings Remade
by samthecanadian
Summary: Rated PG-13 for the presence of Gandalf in the story. Please read this parody!!! 3 chapters... chapter 4 coming up!!
1. One ring to rule them all wait all? Am I...

Lord of the Rings - Remade Chapter 1 - Prologue: One Ring to Rule them All.. What? All? Am I confused or something?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of J.R.R. Tolkein's wonderful characters or ideas at all, although I wish I do. I also do not own any of Peter Jackson's ideas or any of the ideas in the LOTR movie.  
  
a/n: I do bash some of J.R.R's characters, but let me remind you, I love the LOTR series and I really respect his hard work and his ingenious ideas on this story. Just to let all you guys know, k? And this parody is based on the movie chapter by chapter.Oh, and if any of you have done anything like this already, I have to say I honestly didn't copy off of you. And I am sorry if it sounds like I did, cuz all of the parody ideas were original, coming from me and a couple of friends who helped me.  
  
music starts playing in the background  
  
Galadriel: (Narrating)The world has changed. or is it just me? 

I feel it in the water. or maybe it's just cold. 

I feel it in the Earth. maybe it's just those rotten cabbages. 

I smell it in the air. there again with those rotten cabbages! 

Much that once was.. is now lost. for none now live who remember it. 

Wait a tick, if I am narrating this story, and I remember it, it kinda offsets that last statement. 

It began with the forging of the great rings (whispers to Peter Jackson) Is that how it really began? (continues) Three were given to the elves. (looks in the mirror, adjusts her hair) immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings. Seven to the dwarf - lords: Great big uglies and too much into themselves.(receives a punch from a dwarf) *ow!* I mean. Great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine.(mutters to self) or was it ten?... Umm. nine, right. (continues) nine rings were gifted to the race of men - the lower beings, I must point out - (receives punch from a man) *ow!* I mean. who above else, desire power. 

For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. waitaminute. you mean to say that I could have the potential for extraordinary power? With my ring? Coooool.Ohhh right.. 

But the were all of them deceived. 

For another ring was made. In the land of the Death Star. I mean Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Vader forged in secret a master lightsaber. oops hehe I mean Sauron and Master Ring. to control all others. 

And into this ring, he poured his love, his happiness, and his will to be kind to all life. waitaminute. I thought this guy was evil! Ooh, misread the script (receives glare from Peter Jackson, continues) I mean his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. 

One ring to rule them all. - well duh - 

Two by two. one by one. the free lands of Naboo, uh, Middle-Earth, fell to the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted. 

A last alliance of Gungans and Men. uhh, Elves and *shudder* men marched against the armies of Mordor. 

And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of the Universe. um, Middle-Earth. 

Victory was near (says to Peter Jackson: who is victory? Recieves another glare that could curdle milk, continues) 

But the power of the ring -oooh-aahh- could not be undone. It was in that moment when all hope had faded, and Ilsildur's father was dying, that Ilsildur took up his father's sword. 

(switches to scene with Ilsildur, Elendil and Sauron)

Ilsildur: (Picks up sword) *Giggle! 

Sauron: Okay, what. 

Ilsildur: Oh, nothing.*mph* 

Sauron: Oh, for pete's sake! What? 

Ilsildur: *ahem* lalalalala. 

Sauron: (In frustration stomps on sword and breaks it) Oh, fiddlesticks. WHAT IS IT? 

Ilsildur: Okay, crabby man. Your fly's open. 

Sauron: What? (looks down) I ain't got a goshdarned fly, you nitwit! (proceeds to choke Ilsildur) 

Ilsildur: Argh! (In his fright, lifts up the broken shard of Narsil and cuts the ring off of Sauron's hand) Uhh, oops? 

Sauron: (screams in pain, then disintegrates into tiny clouds of dust) POOF! 

Ilsildur: Sauron. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (sobs, starts to grovel on ground) 

Elendil: What. about. me. son? (Dies) 

Ilsildur: Meh. (Takes the ring, Sauron's finger crumbles, all the orcs in the surrounding area proceed to die) Whee! Things go dead. I likes this ring. My preciousssssss. 

(scene switches to Ilsildur on horseback riding down a forest path with army)

Galadriel: (Narrating)Uhh, righty-o then. Sauron, the, uhh, 'enemy?' of the free peoples of Middle-Earth, was defeated.The ring, now in the care of Ilsildur, had one chance to be destroyed. But the hearts of men. are easily corrupted. especially Ilsildur's. 

Ilsildur: (Crying softly) Why did I have to kill nice master? *sniff* (All of the sudden, Mountain Orcs sweep down onto the company - Ilsildur runs down to the water's edge, then trips and falls onto a couple of arrows sticking out of the ground. Is then shoved into the water by Orcs, the ring falls from his hand, and is washed away) 

Galadriel: Righty-o then. The ring of power. uhh, has a will of it's own? It betrayed Ilsildur to his death? Some things that should have not been forgotten were lost. History became legend. legend became myth. myth became fairy tale. fairy tale became moral. moral became 3 words. 3 words became triple word score on Scrabble. triple word score on sc (interrupted by Peter Jackson, who is now hyperventilating with anger) 

Peter Jackson: Just shut up already! Read the script, please and thank you. 

Galadriel: (looks hurt) Sure. And for two and a half thousand million years, the ring passed out of all knowledge. Except for mine, of course.(stops reading, long pause ensues) 

PJ: Umm, Cate? 

Cate Blanchett: Who? Whazza? Oh.(resumes as Galadriel) 

Galadriel: Until, when chance came along, it ensnared a new bearer. Gollum. He went into the Misty Mountains, and resided there. Then, the ring abandoned Gollum, blablabla, Bilbo picked it up, blablabla. End of story, me go to sleep now, kay? (falls asleep) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ  
  
Oookay that was end of chappie 1. Story will get much better, though! R/R please and if you have any suggestions I would be glad to take them. Thanks!


	2. Of the Shire and old men

Lord of the rings remade 

Chapter 2 - Of the shire and old men

Disclaimer: 

Author: NOOOOOOOO must…. not…disclaim….uggh…give…upppp…fine.

Disclaimer: Hmph. I don't own any of these characters. I wish I did, but I didn't… SATISFIED YOU EVIL COPYRIGHT AND LAWYER PEOPLE? Hmph.

On with the story!

(Scene pops up - Frodo is seen practicing his chicken dancing for Bilbo's upcoming birthday party while dialogue saying 'The Shire - 102594 years later' pops up on the screen - Frodo then stops in the middle of his prancing, gets up, smiles happily and runs off… scene switches to an old man in a flourescent pink bathrobe and a pointy pink hat driving along in his cart singing old and outdated songs, Frodo rushes down and stops infront of Gandalf's cart)

Frodo: (attempts to say 'You're late!' (Gandalf drives his cart over him, not noticing the poor Hobbit…BUMP!)

Gandalf: (stops cart) Good heavens, what in the hell was that? (turns around and sees Frodo laying on the ground, quite unnerved and ruffled)

Frodo: (Gets up and brushes himself off - he seems uninjured) 'You're late! Hahahah I, using my extraordinary Hobbit resilience powers, have appeared uninjured by your cart! So, I will be annoying instead and say the same thing, with a twinkle in my cutesy Hobbit eyes to make it seem as if I am loveable!'

Gandalf: (Ignores last part) 'A wizard… is never late, Frodo Baggins of the Shire, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to… unless, of course, if I get stuck in rush hour traffic along the Road or run over some poor unfortunate animal… yeah…' (winks at Frodo and giggles)

Frodo: (laughs unsuredly, gives a frightened look towards Gandalf) 'Umm…'(whispers to Peter Jackson) 'what am I supposed to do?'

Peter Jackson: (whispers back) 'Just continue on! Ian, I'll deal with you later, you nasty sonofagun...'(motions for Elijah to continue)

Frodo: It's...*ahem* wonderful to see...you... Gandalf? (Reluctantly jumps onto cart and gives Gandalf a small short hug - cart starts moving again through many fields with Hobbits working in them... all of a sudden, a Hobbit is pulled down and disappears, like he has been grabbed by something)

Frodo: (stares for a while, then starts to explain the happenings of the Hobbit disappearance) 'Y'know, it's those pervy Hobbit fanciers... they run into the fields and grab any Hobbit they can' (Gandalf is looking like he wants to try until Frodo gives him a nasty glare)'...anyways, they're mostly those queer ranger folk! Hobbits have been disappearing like hot hobbit pies placed on a windowsill to cool... most of them end back in some part of downtown Hobbiton, dazed and unsure of where they are...Anyhow,' (resumes cutesy Hobbit form) 'how's the news of the outside world! Tell me everything!'

Gandalf: 'Everything? Are you sure you want to know about that horrible night I spent with those pervy dwarves? *shudder* You're far far far far far far far too curious for a Hobbit if you wanna know about that... most unnatural...'

Frodo: 'Uhh...' (speaks to self) 'Mental note: stay away from dwarves! And that pointy hat of Gandalf's... it scares me...' 

Gandalf: (continues) 'Well, what can I tell ya? Life in the wide world goes on as much as it has in this past 193667 - 376495 years...full of pervy dwarves!' *shudder* 'Full of it's own comings and goings - people except for me (winks at Frodo and giggles again) are scarcely aware of the existence of Hobbits... for which I am very thankful... I can keep them all to myself I say! Heh heh heh!' (cart moves through the markets of downtown Hobbiton)

Elderly female Hobbit: (waves to Gandalf) 'Hey look, it's Gandalf!' (winks at him, blows a kiss - Frodo looks away, utterly appalled... more Hobbits wave at Gandalf in similar ways)

Frodo: 'Umm, do I wanna know what you've been doing to those poor Hobbits?'

Gandalf: 'No.' (As they are driving by a humungo field, he notices caravans and banners being set up) 'Ohh! A long long long long long long expected party! How is that old rascal?'

Frodo: 'Who? Whazza?'

Gandalf: 'Bilbo, you dimwitted young Baggins!'

Frodo: 'Oooooh...'

Gandalf: 'Meh. I hear it's going to be a party of special magnificence!'

Frodo: 'You know Bilbo...'

Gandalf: (interrupts Frodo) ' Oh, yes.. hee hee hee'  
Frodo: (Ignores Gandalf's statement) 'He's got the whole place in an uproar!'

Gandalf: 'Oh, that should please him!'

Frodo: (trying to drop hints about something) 'Half the shire's been invited!'

Gandalf: 'Oh, cool!'

Frodo: 'He's up to something...'

Gandalf: (furrows his eyebrows and thinks) 'Oh, really? I never knew!' (Turns around to face Frodo) 'Whatisit?'

Frodo: 'Fine then. Keep your secrets.'

Gandalf: 'Alllrigggghhhtt........ sure. I have no idea of what you're talking about!'

Frodo: 'You know, before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of! No times when you came and ruined our cutesy Hobbit physique... none of that!'

Gandalf: 'If you're referring to the incident where your Uncle broke his leg, I was barely involved! I just drank a little too much ale, you see, and shoved your Uncle out the door, and he fell down the steps and broke his leg! Most people say you become a different person when you are under the influence, so it wasn't me!''

Frodo: 'Well, whatever you did, you've been officially labelled a disturber of the peace!' (Whispers) 'Perv!'

Gandalf: 'Oh, really? Hehe...' (looks behind him, notices the two Sackville-Bagginses glaring at him while Hobbit children chase after Gandalf's cart)

Frodo: 'Oh, don't tell me you've gotten to the children too!' (begins to turn green and hurls over the side of the cart)

Gandalf: 'No, they just like me cause I'm nice to them' (lets off a bunch of fireworks to please the children while Frodo stops being sick and realizes he must be telling the truth... meanwhile, the Sackville-Bagginses continue to glare at Gandalf until he disappears around the corner)

Frodo: ' I'm glad... you're... back?'

Gandalf: 'So am I, dear boy, so am I...(as Frodo jumps off the cart, he gives him a playful smack on the bottom and Frodo runs away from the cart in horror... the cart then proceeds up to Bag End while Gandalf is chuckling, Gandalf gets out of the cart, goes through a gate with the sign 'No admittance... except for Istari', and proceeds up to Bilbo's door.

So, how was it? R&R please, give me suggestions etc. More coming!!!

~Iarroswen~


	3. Very very old friends

Chapter 3 - very very old friends

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, unfortunately.. though I wish I had…. ah well… stupid lawyers. 

A/N: I still have many many  chapters to go yet… there's like 40 something on the DVD set, so yeah… not including all of the extended scenes and the new scenes on the extended DVD version… lots lots more to come yet!!!

Recap: Gandalf is knocking on Bilbo's door….

Gandalf: *knocks on Bilbo's door*

Bilbo: *opens door* WE DON'T WANT ANY!!

Gandalf: *laughs* What about very old *ahem friends?

Bilbo: Gandalf? *notices pink bathrobe* Gandalf, what are you doing here…

Gandalf: Don't ask such stupid questions. You know why I'm here… to, umm, help you… with your packing..

Bilbo: *sniff! My dear, dear, dear, dear, Gandalf! It's been so long!

Gandalf: It's very good to see you! Wow.. 111 years old… who would've thought… we've been together for what, 50, 60 years now?

Bilbo: You disgusting man. 

Gandalf: I can dream.

Bilbo: Have you been telling rumors about me and you?

Gandalf: *pouts* Well, you haven't aged a day…*grasps Bilbo's shoulders* yeah…*Bilbo smiles unassuredly, Gandalf realizes he's touching Bilbo and takes his hands off* Yeah, sorry my dear friend, it's hard for me to resist!

Bilbo: Resist this! *sticks hairy hobbit feet in Gandalf's face*

GandalfL You do realize, it turns me on?

Bilbo: *laughs* yeah right… anyways, come on in! *whispers* so hopefully I can repel you more…*ahem* Welcome, welcome! Oh, here we are! Okay, that just made no sense. *Relives Gandalf of staff and hat* Agh! The hat… it scares me… Umm, tea? Maybe something a bit stronger? *whispers* so I can kill you..

Gandalf: What?

Bilbo: Uh, nothing. *smiles innocently* Tea? Got a couple of wineyards left… 1296! Verrry good year! Laid down by my father… shall we open one? Maybe I can get you out of the way…

Gandalf: Oh, just tea, thank you… *turns around, knocks head on chandelier* ABERSNUFFLE WHOOEY! *turns around, bumps head on ceiling beam* ARGH GOOGOL!

Bilbo: I was expecting you sometime last week… actually, thank gosh I didn't have you over until now, big hobbit party last Thursday at Gaffer Gamgee's house.. *shudder…who knows what would happen if you were there? Anyways, it doesn't matter… Caught me a bit unprepared for the likes of you… I've only got cold Hobbit pies and pickled beets… oh, cheese! No, that won't do.. umm, raspberry ham, apple smart…*continues muttering to self*

Gandalf: *picks up old map* Ooh, map to more likkle hobbitses!

Bilbo: Oh, found some sponge… cake! Right, sponge cake *ahem

Gandalf: *focuses on map* Shudder… reminds me of dwarves…*drops map, disappears to washroom*

Bilbo: I'd make you some eggs if you want! Uhh, no, not fish eggs… *Notices the absence of Gandalf* You'd better not be in my room!

Gandalf: *appears behind Bilbo* Just tea, thank you…

Bilbo: AGH! Don't you ever scare me like that again. Oh, right… you have your 'hobbit sixth sense' meter running again… Um, you don't mind if I eat, do you?

Gandalf: No, no, go ahead… just hungry for hobbit…

Bilbo: What?

Gandalf: Hust nungry o pobbit…

Bilbo: I guess that's one of your weird spells…

Voice from outside: Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins! Is that Gandalf in there? I want to have a word with him about being around my poor little Hobbit child, Priscilla…

Bilbo: Don't you dare get up! I'm not at home! I've got to get away from these people…Never give me a moment's peace.. I wanna see mountains again! Mountains! *coughdwarfcough*

Gandalf: What?

Bilbo: Hm… wanna find somewhere where I can finish my book, "how to get away from Istari"

Gandalf: Sounds good!

Bilbo: Hehh tea's ready…

Gandalf: So, you're going through with your plan, then? 

Bilbo: No crap, sir craphead… wait, that's not in the script…Um, yes, yes, it's all in hand… All arrangements are made…

Gandalf: Which reminds me, Frodo was asking me funny questions this morning…

Bilbo: Of course he suspects something! He's a Baggins! Not some blockheaded bracegirdle from Hardbottle or some idiotic *ahemstormcrowahem*

Gandalf: You will tell, won't you?

Bilbo: Yes, yes…

Gandalf: He's very fond of you…

Bilbo: Right, I think he's still in love with the Shire though… woods, fields, rivers…

Gandalf:… Suzie Woods? Sally Fields? Joan Rivers?

Bilbo: *Ignores Gandalf* I am old… even though I may not look it, I feel it…*palms ring*

Gandalf: *Stares suspiciously*

Bilbo: I feel thin… sort of stretched… like.. umm….. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't think I shall come back. Ever. Especially because of you…. Gandalf Stormcrow

*scene switches to one with Bilbo and Gandalf smoking pipe weed*

Bilbo: Old Toby - finest weed in whole of South Farthing. *blows smoke ring* SHMEE look!

Gandalf: *grunts his agreement, blows a large heart which breaks Bilbo's ring*

Bilbo: Heyyy…. hmph. Gandalf, this will be a night to remember! After this, I'll be long gone! NO MORE YOU FOR MEEEE! HAHAHAH!

End

Please R/R! I need more suggestions… give your opinion! Flames will be sent to Antartica to keep the poor likkle penguins from freezing. Thanks a lot!!

Iarroswen

Preview: Chapter 4 - A very very long long expected party


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